So it seems that I am on the autism spectrum disorder, and rather severely so.
In 2022, it was too much. Several people close to me died, ironically none of them due to COVID; after some initial shock, then numbness, the final one just pushed me over the edge (and you will laugh, it was just my cat dying). It wasn’t so much that I missed the people, it was more that I had felt myself understood and mentally close to them (and in the final case, the responsibility of dealing with it). This is not surprising: camouflaging of mental issues, and in particular the camouflaging of autistic traits (that I did), is associated with depression and suicidality.
I was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a depressive episode back then, but it seems a quick diagnosis in a crisis seemed to be at the very least incomplete. After a longer period with psychiatric care, tests and conversations, that is the word they use. But in the end it is just a word. But I want to talk a little bit into the depth of what at least I struggle with.
Anyway, I read a bit into one symptom or issue that I in particular have issues with: empathy and compassion. First, empathy: there are various theories according to which those of us on the spectrum have issues with empathy (see here or here).
One theory is that, for one reason or another, autism spectrum comes with a lack of empathy (this is proposed and explained by Baron-Cohen and others by an issue with the amygdala, but let us ignore that). Trying to is like climbing a mountain.
The other theory is that we have too much of it; however, it is loud and stressful to us, there is too much in expectations and demands… and we shut down (this is proposed by Kamila and Henry Markram above). Trying to is like finding a person at a loud concert.
Whatever the truth is, there is certainly a difference between empathy (the ability to look into and understand another mind, to even consider the existence of other viewpoints) and the desire to be compassionate.
I fluctuate in the latter, the compassion. I find myself trying very often, trying to be very compassionate. Because it is good. Also because it gets drilled into us at times. But it is also just a nice feeling that one could, just for a moment, understand another person, more importantly because it is a gateway to make yourself understood. I try often in the context of mathematics, because I try to understand how to make myself understood (which is not always the easiest, as I often assume way too much). But it is a rather stressful task for me at least. I often get told to “just imagine what another person knows”; and to be frank, I just cannot. Trying to feels rather overwhelming to me in the possibilities of thoughts in another one’s head, getting told to try harder just leads to subservience and confusion. Ironically, trying to be compassionate, getting lucky once makes it worse (“You showed you can do that” + “Now you did not” —implies-> “you do not care” or worse “you hate me”), which in addition to imposter syndrome causes us into increasing the internal pressure. In the extreme case, I become self-harming, trying so much it ends up hurting myself and others.
I then react with the opposite… I shut myself off in a way, just walk away from the pressure of doing this… I say things like “I don’t care if you understand” or “I do this for myself, leave me”. There is a lot of shame associated with failing with empathy, so I usually rather retreat. I don’t intend to hurt in that state (though I have been told by friends I do), but I want to be left alone. Until people tell me I hurt them, until I desire to be understood again, or just be compassionate. Get told I make jumps in thoughts, but want to be understood…
And then it continues. Often, I find a person that gets along well in life, almost follow them around and try to imitate them. Or I copy phrases from movies and video games or television… And I start again. I sometimes find myself using phrases so much that I don’t recognize myself, and when I was younger was sometimes accused of having no personality on my own… simply reflecting what others said. Until I became gradually better at masking the quotes.
Usually, the inability of understanding is summarized under what is called “theory of mind” (I like that expression). But I think what many suffer under is the pressure to actually be empathetic.
Clik here to view.
I am curious to know what the truth is, whether it is too much or too little ability in empathy. But it is good to know that I have limitations, that I need to be careful with some things and might never learn others, that I have to understand where my limits are before I risk something.
Clik here to view.
